Ephemeral
by FallenFairytale
Summary: "He looked much more real now than he had from my memories…strange that I had such perfect clarity now. And then, there was nothing, only a slight burning." What would happen if Bella killed herself after Edward left in New Moon? Kind of sad, please R


**A/N: This is a really REALLY old one-shot of mine that I never got around to posting. It's depressing, but it shows what would have happened if Bella decided to kill herself after Edward left in New Moon. I don't like Twilight anywhere near as much as I used to and I deleted all my other stories. First and last Twilight fic of mine up on this website. Please R&R and thanks for your time! I hope you like it. (:**

**DISCLAIMER: I clearly do not own anything in this story, except for the plot line. If I did, I would be as rich as hell and not on . Characters, setting, etc. belong to Stephenie Meyer.**

**PS: IMPORTANT A/N AT THE END! (PLEASE READ IT)**

Ephemeral: 

It had been seven months. Seven months since my life had ended. Seven months since Edward – _my _Edward – had left. Usually, when you're in love, or so I've heard, you'd be over the guy by now, right? Wrong. So logically the only conclusion I can come to is that what I feel towards him is a greater force than love. That, or I'm just not normal – all facts considered, that was quite possible.

There was no other explanation for this…this hollow empty shell that I've become. Well, not entirely empty. After he left my feelings for him, if anything, heightened and that coupled with the anguish of him leaving me was unbearable. No words can portray the emotions that raged within me. Despair wasn't a harsh enough word for the depth of hopelessness in the dredges of my soul. All – I – could – feel. Just those two emotions which leaft no room for anything else inside of me: love…and anguish.

I was miserable, left for dead. I couldn't take it anymore. There was only so much you can bend before you break. I just wasn't that flexible.

I…I _tried_. I really did. Tried not to think of him – he obviously had completely forgotten about me. But every night, without end, I would follow him in my dreams and wind up getting lost. I never could escape the bright green foliage and no one bothered to come for me. Every night I woke up, screaming his name.

Poor Charlie. I just couldn't reign in my emotions enough to mask it from him. And he knew…there was no getting around it.

More rain pelted against my frigid skin, bringing me back to reality – or whatever this hellhole is that I have left of reality. I used to hate the rain. Not anymore. Now I willingly embraced it's icy comfort – that was why I was here. In the meadow…_his _meadow, with the rain crashing down relentlessly around me and I was soaked to the skin. All I had on was a light brown tank top and dark blue shorts. No shoes. No jacket. I barely felt the bloody scratches and dents in me – souvenirs from my trekking in the woods – all over my arms and legs. I only felt pain for him. I would give everything just for one second to see his perfect face with my own eyes, rather than the twisted version of him my memory had derived. Just one second to feel his cold embrace.

A distant part of my idle brain vaguely wondered as to what the weather was in Forks. But Forks wasn't my home anymore. My home was with Edward – wherever he was.

The dryness in my throat and shuddering of my chest were the only symptoms that I was crying – my face was so drenched in rain. I heard the thunder in the distance, rumbling its defiance to the heavens. It wouldn't obey.

And that's when it hit me, harder than the torrential downpour hit the ground. Edward. He had been the one. But he was gone. He had me promise him…but I wouldn't obey. Why should I? What promise had he kept? He had sworn to love me forever. But he denied every last word back in the woods last night, in my nightmare. Seven months back, in reality. He had promised to stay with me as long as I wanted him. So why would I keep my bargain with him? He hadn't given me a thing in return for my endless torture.

I wouldn't be safe. I wouldn't try to keep myself from harm. I would go after it. I would…kill myself. He wouldn't even care. I was utterly, completely forgotten – left to be ravaged by his cruel act of abandonment. I guess that I made this decision in my subconscious long ago, as it came no shock to me now. A kind of anxiousness was settling in…some sort of light at the end of this godforsaken tunnel. Some out of this living hell I was experiencing. Apparently it wasn't entirely necessary to wait the grace period of my life to send me down to hell. If anything this was _worse_.

My mind slowly started awakening from my permanent sleep falling back into the pattern of…working. It felt alien to mind to have something to actually think about, no matter how morbid the topic. I swiftly worked out Friday as the day. I had been skipping school as it was. Yesterday. Today. I'm sure I'd done it more, but I couldn't remember for the life of me anything more than two days previous. Only one more question: how?

How was I going to end it all? I didn't even flinch at the words which condemned me. I kind of…looked forward to it. My pain would _be over_.

I glanced at my watch. 11:39. Charlie wouldn't be back for a while, my now cognitive brain supplied for me. Time to go hiking. I got up stiffly and took one last, bittersweet look around me. This was the last time I would be here.

I wasn't really aware of myself treading through the path to and from our meadow which I quickly moved through, more out of memorization. I was still clumsy. I swiftly went through the forest, hopping over roots and rocks alike, barely noticing the difference between the two.

I arrived at my truck without even realizing it. The next thing that I knew I was driving at the highest speed my truck would allow; 58 mph. That was another thing that had changed; I drove really fast, I wanted to get out as soon as I could. When you drive your mind wanders. When your mind wanders, it wanders over to Edward. Well, in my case anyway. But right now I had something else to preoccupy my thoughts.

Shooting was out of the question. Charlie _always _took the bullets out of his gun. My mind bitterly supplied that he only did this after Edward left – as if he knew, even before I did what I was going to do. I quickly moved on before I got to thinking about Charlie for too long. But as I continued thinking about it I expected to feel some pang of guilt. I didn't. My desire to rid myself of this misery drowned out every other emotion. Drowning? I shuddered internally. Takes too long and I didn't _want _to be in pain. I wanted pain to end. I crossed it off the mental checklist. Jumping off a cliff?

I looked at the world outside of my truck. No cliffs in sight. Get run over? Might not die. I winced visibly. That would be another no. I wracked my brain which was coming to – unused to actually being needed for something. Hmmm…poison? No instant barrage of reasons as to why it wouldn't work came to me. I had my answer. I'd clearly have to research it, and on the internet, preferably. Walking around the neighborhood asking about poison was a sure way to arouse suspicion.

My truck rolled against the gravel of the driveway. I was back. I climbed out, slamming the door much more forcefully than it needed.

I hadn't locked the house when I'd left. Quite honestly I didn't care if a serial killer was in there waiting for me. In fact I actually hoped there was – it would make this whole thing so much easier. I opened the door. No such luck – the house was completely empty of any other inhabitants.

I made my way up the stairs, turning to the door which led to my room. I plopped down into my chair and flicked on my computer.

.xXoOoXx.

Tonight was different. After the customary sequence of Edward saying he never wanted to see me again, leaving and myself hopelessly chasing him, I came to a break in the green foliage, a clearing of some sort. I hesitated at the edge and breathed in deeply. Sweet mourning dew filled my nostrils. Morning dew? How was that right? I disregarded my logical self and took the necessary steps forward through the mist around me. I started walking at a slow pace, but then I started walking faster and ended up breaking into an all out run. I couldn't see _anything_ and even the green foliage of my previous nightmares would have been preferable over the grey empty mist all around me.

I started to panic, wondering if I should turn around, when I saw a dark shadow looming in the distance. I didn't stop to fathom as to what it could be. I just kept running, feeling the cold, wet grass beneath my bare feet – desperate not to lose this break in the gloom. The shape soon became more defined, and color replaced the muted gray which I saw previous. I stopped dead.

The Cullen house. The Cullen house? Why had I been brought here? How far did I run? I started to slowly walk again, almost resentfully. Never taking my gaze off it. I reached the porch before I felt the exhaustion of my run hit me. I collapsed onto the wood before even making it inside. More emptiness met my eyes – the black kind.

"Bella!" I heard a slowed voice repeating my name over and over again, growing in desperation each time. I smiled slightly as my heart sped up – the way it did whenever Edward was around. But as I opened my eyes, and blinked them into focus I wasn't met by his gorgeous face, rather I saw my father. He sighed in obvious relief as he saw recognition hit my face.

"Bells, I realize this is hard for you. But they…he's not coming back. Okay? I just," He stopped awkwardly, his voice cracking as the words he needed didn't supply themselves, "You have to stop it Bella. I miss…I miss the old you. Who you were before he got to you."

I didn't respond. I felt no emotion at his clear plea for me to forget Edward. Then I felt it. A deep trickling of emotion filtering through. Then I was sobbing.

"Bells, please. Please. You need to get up. You can't stay here. Please."

"_Please_," I begged, echoing his entirely. It was the first word I'd said in ages to him, it felt strange to use my voice, "Please." I repeated again, refusing to get up when he offered me his hand.

"Bella – "

"No!" I cried vehemently, my throat drying up as all moisture leaked from my eyes. My breathing grew ragged and I sobbed uncontrollably, "Just…please. No," I whimpered.

"Bella…he's not coming back." I could hear Charlie struggling to keep his own emotions in check.

"No," I choked out, barely audible. I bent my head back down. I knew he was right. Edward wasn't coming back. He was gone. For good.

"No," I fought back vainly. Charlie was already lifting me up.

"Please!" I wailed with renewed strength.

"Bella. You _have_ to get over this." Charlie's voice was much firmer than mine.

"I won't. Ever. I'll love him until the end," I whispered into his chest.

"Let's go home, honey."

"I am home," I wept weakly.

.xXoOoXx.

I slowly grew aware of my surroundings as I heard the morning birds chirping outside my open window. I sat up slowly, removing my cold sheets from my legs. I frowned. I didn't wake up screaming.

I glanced over towards my alarm. 7:17. The green numbers glared up at me viciously. But at least my nightmare was up.

I slipped on the first outfit my hands touched and didn't even bother with the mirror. I collapsed into my desk chair and tried to remember what I had researched yesterday. Glaring at the blank screen in front of me, my memories slowly faded back. Bookstore. Port Angeles…the _weird _bookstore. Open at 9 am. They passed off the poison as some sort of "demon cure", with poison as a main ingredient. I couldn't tell whether they did it on purpose or were too ignorant to know it's real purpose – they didn't have a lot of customers, after all.

I leaned back in my chair, I still had about half an hour to kill. My mind started wandering towards what would happen when they realized I was dead. Would he come? Would…would Edward have the decency to come to my funeral? Would he even know? Even care?

I looked down at my clothes, laughing bitterly. If he _did _come this wasn't an outfit I'd want to get caught dead in. Pun intended. I quickly changed into something a bit more acceptable. Grey cut-off jeans and a light blue top. I decided shoes were a necessity in this situation – running into people – and slipped on some converse. Despite not wanting to, I found myself in front of the mirror above my dresser.

My dark hair fell in ringlets down, undisturbed from my disturbing sleep, and my skin was paler than ever – quite a hard feat to achieve. I didn't know what I was doing, or why I even bothered with it but I slipped on a necklace I hadn't worn since childhood, about twelve to be exact. It was a silver necklace with a plain silver chain and a simple cross hanging off it. I smiled ironically, I hadn't gone to church _since _I was twelve. I didn't even really know why I decided to wear it. Technically, I guess I was Christian. Or had been, anyway. But as I grew up, I grew out of my fantasies. Yet now, something brought them back. If vampires existed, why couldn't God? Why couldn't Carlisle be right? I clasped it on.

I made my way out to my truck and sped away to Port Angeles, the money in my pocket. Despite the fact that my mind was blank, tears still found their way down my face, running down. I sobbed loudly as a sob wrenched out of my throat. My breath came in gasps. It seemed everything reminded me of _him_. The air – he doesn't need to breathe. My necklace – he believes he's going to hell. My truck – he thought it drove too slow. My shirt – he liked the color blue against my skin. I could go on. And on.

Concentrate, I chided myself. I closed my eyes, breathing in the scent unique only to my truck. Gasoline, mint and faintly of smoke.

_Hooonk!_

I snapped my eyes open. I'd practically run over someone, and hit someone else's car. They were flipping me off but I didn't even acknowledge them. That's what you get when you close your eyes while you _drive_. A snide thought crept into my head. That would never have happened to him. Ever.

Ugh. He never thought about me! I was the unhealthy, pathetic one so completely infatuated with him that I practically killed someone. Why did I have to be so obsessed with him? Why was he in my every thought? Why had I ever even met him?

The moment I thought it, I regretted it. Because I still would have rather known – and loved – him, had to feel this agony than never have met him. To never know it was the most beautiful thing in the world when he smiled his perfect, crooked one. To never have lost control when his ice cold lips pressed against mine, pulling me close. To never have known I would eagerly give my life for one moment with him.

I stopped in the parking lot, the rain was a mere drizzle now. I stepped out swiftly from the cab of my truck. I got out right in a puddle. I shut the door, ignoring my dripping feet as I walked across the asphalt.

When I pushed open the door the first thing to hit my senses was a sickly sweet overpowering aroma, it clogged my throat.

"May I help you?" I blinked twice, through watering eyes as I tried to grow accustom to the hellish glow alighting the room. It wasn't a the same old lady from before, who had greeted me when I'd first moved to Forks and visited Port Angeles with Jessica and Angela. She was much younger, and devastatingly gorgeous. Her green eyes flashed up at me, silent, but urging me to speak. Apparently I had forgotten.

"Uh, yeah.." I answered, flustered, "I saw some demon-warding-off," I hoped I wasn't paraphrasing, "powder online…?"

"Oh, of course," She cooed, a smile tugging at her full lips, "Demon infestation?" She muttered questioningly at me as she moved about the store, disappearing behind some shelves. She didn't seem to buy it.

"I…something like that," Then a thought struck me, "I keep having the same nightmare over and over, every _single _night for months. Without reprieve. I wake up screaming. I feel like…like I'm being watched, haunted." I was utterly convincing. Of course, that couldn't be attributed to my acting skills. It was all true.

"Ahh, how many?" She asked, businesslike.

"Two."

She paused, and turned to face me.

"These are _very_ dangerous. Only meant to be taken in moderation." Well, I was never one for moderation, "Otherwise, it could prove deadly."

"Of course! I'll be careful."

She nodded slightly, and disappeared again within the depths of the store.

I felt my legs shaking and grabbed at the desk to steady myself. I hadn't eaten supper…or breakfast. My head pounded. Lunch either.

"You've got it bad, haven't you?" I hadn't noticed her return, confused as to how she had appeared so suddenly. I couldn't wait to get out.

"Huh?" I played it dumb.

She placed her hands on both sides of my face, and I half expected her touch to be frigid – as it usually went hand in hand with such beauty. But her hand was normal…human.

"You have a demon in you right now," She announced matter of factly.

"Edward is hardly a demon," I blurted out without thinking.

"Edward?"

I couldn't think of an excuse fast enough.

"You _name _your demons?" Luckily, she did. At my lack of response, she narrowed her piercing green eyes, "It'll be $70."

Overpriced. I sighed, and pulled out my money.

"Seventy…" She muttered to herself, as she pulled out a log book. I handed her the cash wordlessly, the cashier eyeing my every move suspiciously.

She must have really thought I was possessed.

"This is 100."

Oh.

"Oh," I said flustered, "sorry."

"Change." She returned thirty dollars back to me and flashed a winning smile, "thanks for your purchase, come back soon!"

I won't, I thought mentally, "Yeah, probably."

As I was pushing open the doors I heard her call after me,

"Live long, Bella."

I didn't turn around and instead kept walking, my truck seemed a much further distance now then it did before. When I got into my truck, I peered into the shop window, but the young girl was not in sight. Instead, there was the old lady again. Weird…

I shrugged it off, I must have imagined her calling out my name. There was no possible way she would have known.

It was pouring when I arrived home. But this time I managed to dislodge myself from the truck without landing in a 4-inch deep rain puddle. I was careful not to get the small paper bag wet as I half-ran to the door.

I entered the kitchen, setting them down on an empty counter space. I swung the yellow wooden cupboards open, and chose a glass at random. I started running the water, waiting for it to heat up enough so that the powder would dissolve but also wouldn't scald my throat.

I faced the window to the back, looking out to the woods. I opened the glass-paned window. It shrieked in response and dust motes fluttered lazily into the air. I breathed in the deep, clean air of the outside as the rain mercilessly hammered the grass into submission.

I poured the water into the mug, and opened the first package. I poured the white powder into the mug, threw out the remnants and then repeated with the second. I mixed it together with a spoon, which I then washed completely, just in case some of the poison was potent enough that if used later, might kill Charlie.

I didn't want to leave my dead body in Charlie's kitchen – it seemed rude. I stalked over to the door, yanking at the metal knob. It creaked silently and I fled into the woods, cautious not to spill a drop. I stopped right when I reached the outskirts of the forest, where the rain couldn't delude my mixture.

I stared into its jostling depths – expecting to find some solace there. I did, as I realized I would soon be pain free. That Edward would no longer plague my every thought, every action.

Soon I would be free of this, this agony, torture…pain. NO more longing for Edward. My deluded mind dredged up his perfectly glorious face. I could even faintly hear him, calling my name through the misty forest. The empty hole in my chest ripped, threatening to grow larger and I quickly pressed the glass to my lips, gulping it all without a second's thought.

I heard the glass shatter on the stone before I felt the weak spread of the poison through my veins. My legs gave out, and my vision grew black around the edges as every memory I had with Edward flashed before my eyes: him saving me at Port Angeles, finding out he was a vampire, going to the meadow with him, watching him in his element as he played baseball with his family, planning to escape James, every smile, every touch…

I felt arms hold me, but they weren't quite as cold as I remembered. Then again, I wasn't as warm as I used to be.

"Bella," Agony. In that one word. The voice sounded as if it were being tortured right there. My eyes struggled to open, and my hallucinating mind showed me Edward. Edward as he was – the one who actually cared if I lived or died. He looked much more real now than he had from my memories…strange that I had such perfect clarity now.

And then, there was nothing, only a slight burning.

**A/N: This was much sadder then I remembered! I didn't want to kill Bella! Ahhh! In case you're wondering, at the end that was Edward. Alice of course, had a vision that Bella would kill herself. However, she believed Edward could save Bella. But, I left it up to you! At the end, there's a slight burning. You get to decide: did Edward bight her and she's starting to become a vampire, or was it just the poison burning off? Please tell me what you thought! I tried to stay into character as much as I could. Oh, and the shopkeeper/whatever at the store Bella went to still confuses me. She was the product of listening to "Your Guardian Angel" (by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus) while I rewrote this, and I'm still confused as to who she is. Tell me what you think(: thanks!**


End file.
